Lost trust means lost respect.

 

Respect is the unseen partner to trust. 

If trust isn't present, respect cannot be, either. 

If you are in any sort of relationship where trust has been broken or was never present, the way you interact with the other person or people cannot function in a healthy way. 

In the example where trust has been broken, unless or until it is repaired, the security and stability that was once present will become absent. During the time when trust is under repair or just broken, the level of respect changes. Respect for the person who broke the trust's privacy, discernment, time, and autonomy are absent. This may seem altogether justifiable. If the person wishes to repair the trust, they must become absolutely honest and transparent in order to prove themselves. But if they actually didn't make a mistake but were caught in poor choices, they likely have no true desire to actually repair the trust, just a desire to repair the ease at which they could abuse it in anonymity. 

If the latter is true, they will be impatient with the repair process and duration. They will demand that the person whom they broke the trust with "let it go," and question that person's nature or attempt to void the process by saying, "I thought you were a forgiving person." They may even claim to be "trying their best," and tell you that nobody is perfect. These are manipulation tactics designed to shame the victim into silence. They are a frustration response to a loss of freedom. But if they want instant freedom, they need to be single or choose a new partner with whom they have not broken trust. The broken trust is a consequence of their choices and actions, so any frustration they have should be directed towards themselves, and their future choices should be preventative of further damage to trust. 

Will they see it this way? Not likely. 

If they had valued trust, they wouldn't have gambled with it in the first place. 

If they respected their partner, they wouldn't have made the choices that required the lies to cover up and continue the perception of being a trustworthy person. 

If they respected themselves, they wouldn't misuse their word. 

If they respected anyone's time, they wouldn't waste it by adding half-truths and whole lies to their life and the lives of those who are affected by them.

If you are on the victim end of a scenario like this, you actually need to shift the focus onto yourself. 

If you are in a relationship with a person who has broken your trust and reacts negatively to honoring their agreement to rebuild it, you have to realize that you are not going to be the same. 

When you are a trusting person, you have the ability to be kind, take someone at their word, and feel at ease in the relationship. 

When your trust was broken, it shattered that part of you. 

With it remaining broken but continuing the relationship, you will no longer feel that same ease, kindness, ability to take the person at their word, and safety and security in the bond between you. You no longer respect them as you did previously. Instead of being treated as a trustworthy adult, you will have no choice really but to treat them either as a child or as an active criminal. Those are the only two types of people who would choose to deceive while remaining. One because they don't know any better or are rebelling against authority, and the other because they believe the deception will get them what they think they want and honesty could not do that. Immature or warped thinking. Or both. 

If they are not the initiator of the openness and rebuilding of the trust, the relationship will become worse over time. 

They should be the initiator and insurer, not you. 

If your focus shifts to if they are repeating the past deceptive actions, this can become all consuming of your mind. It can, over time, lead you to become anxious, to lose focus on your own peace of mind, and put you into survival mode. If you don't hear back from them, if an answer doesn't seem to make sense, if a phone number appears on their phone screen with a message that shouldn't exist in your reality. These things can all put you into a tailspin. Your thinking will become paranoid, immature, and warped due to trying to maintain living in this dynamic. 

If this is happening, you have to step out of the dynamic and put your focus on yourself. You have to protect yourself from this. Your peace isn't safe in their hands. 

Sticking around and "fighting for" the relationship is part of the warped thinking that results. You are fighting with them for them to change into someone they never were and really don't want to be. You could lose years of your life, sanity, safety, and happiness for your sacrifice. And in the end, they'll just dismiss you as their "crazy ex" and provide contextless examples of your reactive behavior. They will claim to have "had to" keep things from you so that you wouldn't go berserk on them. They will woefully play victim and win the compassion of yet another unsuspecting and naive soul. 

Respect yourself. Respect your time. You have to choose either/or. Either you want respect, or you want them. You cannot have both. You're also respecting their free will by leaving since they have demonstrated to you that they wish to be perceived as a good person, not actually to be a good person. They can totally do that. Somewhere else. It doesn't have to be with you. 

- Doe Zantamata 

Learn more about Trust in Doe's Book: https://amzn.to/4qlgAcE