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Forgiveness just means releasing resentment

When you have been harmed, either physically, mentally, emotionally, or all three, it hurts. It can make you very angry and sad. Betrayal is the worst kind of harm, because it can only come from people who you really trusted. 

Anger is a powerful emotion that pushes danger away. It's quite protective to do just that. It may not come out in rage, but instead in frustration or in being fed up. 

So if you have been harmed and got to that stage, you likely had then stopped talking to, broken up with, or gone silent towards the person who caused you harm. If it was a job, maybe you quit. 

Anger has to be released. If it stays inside of you, it controls you. The very mention of a person who harmed you can send you immediately back to the past and destroy your present peace and happiness. It does nothing to them. They aren't even there. It just gives them the power to continue to ruin your peace without having to lift a finger.

Releasing anger when it was something deep or long term usually isn't something you can do instantly. It requires the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness only means to release the anger and resentment from within yourself. It doesn't involve anyone else except you. You process the events and emotions, accept that what happened has happened and cannot be changed, and consciously decide to set it down and move on with life from there. 

What some people do is release the anger and then allow the same person back into their life as if nothing happened. This is a mistake. Forgiveness is about the past and only the past and takes place entirely within yourself, but trust is about the present and future and other people. If the offending person doesn't even know what they did wrong, dismisses your feelings, feels no remorse, or doesn't even bother to try and make amends, you have zero reason to trust that the same thing won't happen again. In fact, it likely will. 

When you became angry and cut them off, you also effected a boundary of no contact. 

When your anger is released, that does not mean that the boundary should evaporate. 

They may try to contact you and be shocked that you don't want to speak to them. They may say to you, "you're still mad about that? I thought you were a forgiving person. Let it go already."

If they say this type of stuff, do not let them back into your life. 

They are blaming you for being hurt by what they did and being wise enough to protect yourself from being hurt again for what they will likely do again. 

"What, I said I was sorry" also is nowhere near enough to loosen the boundary. 

Let them think what they want to think. Let them figure out how and why they should be a better person. Let them lose a good one. Maybe that will be the lesson they needed. It's no longer your problem. 

You are valuable. 

Your time, trust, love, energy, and effort are valuable. 

Spend them on yourself and on people who value and reciprocate them. 

You won't be sorry. 

-Doe Zantamata


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