People who manipulate use this subtle tactic to gaslight you. Here's how to spot it and respond effectively.

 

If you've been involved with someone who manipulated you, you know how traumatic it is. 

Whether it was in a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family member, or even at work, the effects in the aftermath can be long-term. 

People who deliberately manipulate others don't think the same way you do. The information that comes to their senses, their motives, and how they process their feelings is entirely different. They often want a specific self-centered outcome and will give or withhold information, act overbearing or innocent and helpless depending on which seems to "work better" on you, and will create a reality and perception of you that is only even partially true in their minds. 

One very devious form of manipulation is to pretend everything is calm and normal when it absolutely is not. 

For example, if they caused an argument the day before and it became so heated that you. both needed to leave it be for the time being, and then they act as if absolutely nothing happened. 

Or if you've had a disagreement in the past and spent time, possibly hours, in conversation attempting to educate them on why something was damaging or unfair and you thought you'd resolved it and they understood because they said they did, but then they do the exact same thing again and act as if this is totally fine. 

What gets triggered here is your safety. 

Not necessarily because of the size or scope of the issue, but because of the shock of being in a reality that you 100% were sure would not exist. 

Let's take the example of the big argument. If you did have a big argument and it ended in total frustration and entirely unresolved, you may go longer than a day if you don't live in the same house. Or, you may go longer than a day without speaking even if you do live in the same house. This is even worse for your safety trigger, because your home is where you should feel the most safe. There is tension and no words and you are replaying the entire incident over and over and formulating and processing what you want to address and how to create a peaceful path forward. 

Then, they say or message you, or call you some totally benign statement. Either addressing the argument with "Are you still mad?" or ignoring it entirely with something like, "Do you want me to pick up lunch? What do you feel like?"

Second shock wave. 

In the first type of message, they've placed the weight of the argument on you. Are YOU still mad. Insinuating that they are not. You can't win in responding to this. If you respond with "yes." Then oh look, YOU are the one who "can't just let things go," or "this is why I don't tell you because you keep bringing it up," or some other statement which squares blame for that argument and the current one on your shoulders. It is getting further and further away from the original issue being resolved, and now if you try to discuss or resolve from here, they will act as if they're just being patient listening to you go on until you're done going on. They had no interest in participating in resolving or discussing anything, and they are doing you a favor by being bored by whatever you're prattling on about. 

And if you had answered, "no," to the "are you still mad?" because you know the next event that comes after saying "yes," then they have successfully manipulated you into conforming to their control and lack of accountability. And if you DARE bring it up, they will immediately fire off at you and say, "YOU said you weren't mad anymore! How am I supposed to trust YOU?"

Lose-lose. 

In the second type, where they make contact but with some benign statement or some "kind" message about getting something for you or doing something for you, again, the onus is on you to attempt to resolve the prior argument. If you "bring it up," even in the kindest of ways, you will be met with "I was just trying to do something nice, I knew I shouldn't have bothered," or "I thought that was over. I am done arguing with you. Message me when you've cooled off. I can't believe you're still mad about that."

This is a very difficult spot to be in. It doesn't make any sense, and you feel as though you're at fault when you absolutely are not. 

Some people do not want to resolve things. Arguments, getting away with things, feeling in control, and that they can do what they want and cause you pain without consequence make them feel smarter than you. They make them feel powerful and superior to you. They make them feel more secure in the relationship because it proves to them that they can be awful and you'll STILL fold and stick around and try to make things right between you. That assures them that you're not going to leave them. 

It's mean and not rational by the standards of a kind human being. 

But if this is happening to you, please know that you are not dealing with an actual kind human being. 

They may be performative and want to appear to be kind. They may not be fully aware of what they are doing and are subconsciously rebelling to their mother and projecting on you, but you can't use your kindness and empathy as tools to open up their mind and rewire their brain so that it doesn't see superiority and arguments as bad things. You can't love them and "never give up on them" into becoming someone they have no desire becoming. They see your empathy and pleas for theirs are weak and easily manipulated. They do not want to become that. They believe that if they did, you and everyone else would successfully manipulate them. 

How should you respond to this? 

You have to decide if this is something that you can live with or not. If it is, then don't even bring it up. 

If it isn't, then you have to stand firm. State that you're not going to speak with them until they resolve the issue with you. It's not an ultimatum. It's a boundary. If you cross it, you do not prove how understanding you are or how much you love them. You prove how little you respect yourself and invite them to do it again. 

You have to step and stay in your power. Not "more than" them but just not less. And not being the one to pleadingly takes responsibility for trying to mend what they've broken. If they can't or do not want to be the one to fix their mess and attempt repair, then you need to ask yourself why you would want a person close in your life who you fully know is going to do you harm and do it with total disregard. It won't get better. It will likely get worse. They have no incentive to change, and are venting their unhealed anger at you so it actually feels better for them in several warped ways to do so. 

You deserve so much better than that. 

Stop expecting it from them and give it to yourself. 

-Doe Zantamata