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It's the pain talking.

Anytime someone does something really “out there," mean or awful,  I think in my head, “It's the pain talking."

Happy, grounded, confident people do not lash out and bash others.

So the more someone does that, likely, the more pain they are in.

That's not to justify or excuse it, but it can at least help us to detach from it and not internalize it or take it personally.

Just remember, “It's the pain talking."

So, how should you react?

Well, there are a few choices. You are only in control of how you react or respond, not how the person reacts to your reaction. When you're dealing with a person in pain, it could go so many different ways.

If you've been the target of unfair accusations and insults, especially insults that are rooted in the pain of someone who feels as though they are a victim, then you can:

1. choose to apologize profusely for things you haven't done,
2. ignore it,
3. attempt to clarify your positon, or
4. argue back.

Insults and accusations such as, "you are manipulative" or "you are pressuring me," or even today's hyper-sensitive word, "you are bullying me" may cause you to immediately try to clarify and apologize for unintentionally hurting the person's feelings.

They see the world through their eyes, their pain, their perspective. As long as that pain exists, they will not be able to see things any other way. You may even think "how dare they lie about me!" but to them, it is the honest truth as they see it.

If you try to apologize, you may cross your fingers and hope that things are swell after that, but the very next unintentional trigger will send them off again.

You may try to clarify, and your position may be absolutely rational to a rational person...but pain is irrational, as are the walls that people build around them in hopes of protecting themselves from additional pain.

If you try to ignore, then they may either find another target for their pain, or they may take this as a sign that "you don't even care" and make a greater attempt to demand your attention.

If you try to argue back, you will confirm their biggest fears, and every word you say will do so more. Arguing in this type of situation will lead to major frustration because no matter how slowly, clearly, loudly, or in many different words you say, they will become more and more convinced of the opposite.

Overall, the best thing to do is to clarify and walk away. But walking away is not always possible, particularily in work and family situations. In those cases, engage as little as possible. Recognize when it's the pain talking, and do not feed into it. Don't let it internalize or get the best of you. Breathe it out and shake it off.

The only solution to that person or those people getting better is for them to:

1. See that the pain only lives inside themselves (and that by not addressing it/healing they are inflicting pain on others for no reason)
2. Decide to heal and seek help in doing so.

Until then, as much as you can see that everyone's lives could be so much more peaceful if they would only heal their pain, you cannot convince them before they see it and before they are ready, and you cannot heal it for them.

By Doe Zantamata

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  1. There is a third option I've used with people I am close to and those whom I will see without fail. I'm quite empathetic and can feel the pain, so I know it's the pain talking. But you do have to be very careful only to use this with those who will understand why you're doing it. I stop the conversation then and there, take a good look at the situation to make sure this will be accepted and I will be safe in doing it, and then I wordlessly give them the most loving hug I can. Quite often they break into tears if not sobs so be ready for it. You've told them you are there for them, just without words. Again, be careful and think it through before you do it, but in the right situation, it can make all the difference in the world. Works for toddlers throwing temper tantrums too.

    1. Beautiful! I can see why it would work in some cases. Sometimes I think people feel unloved and it comes out in strange ways.

  2. I'm learning this lesson now. I have always tried to explain and apologize for something I haven't done and feel hurt. Now I say sorry you feel hurt, instead of saying sorry I have hurt you.


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