It's your turn.
This won't be for everyone.
This may sound selfish to some, and inconsiderate to others.
It's definitely not for them.
This is for you, if:
- you realize you've put a whole lot of your life on hold or on the backburner to try and take care of someone else
- you've felt unappreciated or taken advantage of (many times by many people)
- you never want to be a burden to anyone
- you feel burnt out or exhausted often...mentally, emotionally, and physically.
You may not even know what's best for you. You may have spent your whole life trying to be nice and good. An obedient child, someone who tried to avoid conflict at all costs. You kept your needs and wants hidden until they were so far buried that you forgot what they even were yourself.
You need to know a few things.
1. Having needs makes you a human being, not a needy person.
2. It is your job to meet all the needs of a baby. If you're not dealing with a baby, it's not your job to meet all of someone else's needs.
3. Reciprocation is not a dirty word. We stay alive by breathing in and out. We are not being kind by taking barely any air in and exhaling until we almost pass out. To do so would mean to disregard your own needs to your own detriment. The same is true for give and take.
4. You've got to start calling the things you don't like bad things. That often means changing your perception of them. "I need to care less" changes to, "I need to control less," or, "I need to trust more..."
5. If you think a partner is incapable of making good decisions then it's not your job to manage their thoughts and choices. It's your job to realize they are unwilling or incapable of being a good partner to you.
So maybe with great intentions, you have been choosing to deny yourself for years to try and be the best person ever to anyone who you care about deeply.
But if that resulted in you giving, doing, and thinking 100%, you've left them with 0%. You've left them uninvested. We take care of our investments. We consider them and stay aware of how they are doing. If a person has zero investment, they do not do these things.
If you didn't trust that you were worth any investment, that was your part in the creation or maintenance of an unhealthy attachment.
It's not your punishment for being a good person. It's the consequence of over investing in someone who was under investing in you.
So, now it's time to do what's best for you.
If you don't know where to start, start by doing for yourself what you used to pour so unselfishly into everyone else.
When you care for and respect yourself, you allow and invite others to do so, too.
It will feel awkward and unfamiliar, but that's just the newness and uncertainty.
You will get used to it and it will become a habit.
Your outer relationships will adjust, or if they don't adjust, the tension will break and they will find others to use and you will find others who value you. Not just what you do, but you.
Step into the uncertainty with as much confidence as you're able, and mind you don't slip back into old habits that only leave you drained.
Your fulfilling and wonderful next chapter starts now.
- Doe Zantamata
Learn how to love yourself with Doe's workbook: https://amzn.to/3GOMDgS