Forgiveness Does Not Always Mean Reconciliation

 

This is an excerpt from the book, "Happiness in Your Life - Book Three: Forgiveness," by Doe Zantamata

Should they remain in your life after you've forgiven? 

This is a difficult decision, and one that comes to a conclusion with honest reflection and being aware of what you deserve and your boundaries. 

It also means not taking things personally. 

Taking things personally seems to make sense, you’re a person. But in our closest relationships, we are our most vulnerable. When vulnerability has been taken advantage of or is tied to pain, it’s incredibly uncomfortable. So if a person were raised in a traumatic, violent, or abusive household, vulnerability by itself can become terrifying. 

If a person isn’t aware of how their pain when not healed projects onto everyone they love, they believe a reality and have defense mechanisms that will override how they ideally would want to treat those who they love; partners or children. Taking their words and actions personally adds an extra layer of pain and with partners can blind you to what otherwise would be obvious. 

If you believe a partner has been abused, taken advantage of, or betrayed by their previous relationships and want to be the one person who shows them unconditional love and is trustworthy and supportive, those are all beautiful intentions. 

But if they view relationships as unsafe and vulnerability as weakness that leaves them open to being hurt, they will push you away via mistrust, unkind words, and at times even indifference. 

You may see them lying to other people but think they would never lie to you. They may have told you that you’re the only one in the world they can trust and the one person in the world who isn’t like the rest and that’s a huge responsibility and pedestal.

But then in the next breath, their defense mechanisms kick in and their words knock you off  the pedestal they had built and it doesn’t seem to make any sense. 

Maya Angelou famously said, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” 

This isn’t a mean or unloving statement. 

It’s a true statement. 

If you see people lie to others, you have to realize they lie and they will lie to you. 

If you see them cheat other people, or seek revenge, or insult or belittle, they will do those things to you. 

And you making them aware of any of this can seem helpful, but if they up to this point believe that’s the best way for them to live their lives, especially in later adulthood, your well meaning and sincere words may be agreed with wholeheartedly on the surface but they will turn around later on and tell you that you’re controlling and that nothing they do is good enough for you.

Forgiving them does not mean to keep trying to have a close relationship with them. Forgiving them means to put yourself at a safe distance emotionally, mentally, and even physically so that they won’t be able to harm you…even if that means not speaking at all. 

You can still love them from afar and have compassion for them inasmuch as you can see they are good underneath the pain they carry but that by holding onto their pain, they injure anyone who comes close. 

You can hope or pray that someday they see and take responsibility for their own healing, words, and actions. But change doesn’t happen in an instant or with a revelation, and it doesn’t happen with constant pressure to become better than they are. It comes from within and takes conscious effort and commitment and has to be for themselves and themselves only, not for you or just to keep you. 

It’s not helping them to stay and it’s not abandoning them to go. 

It may help them to see that if they continue they way they are, they will lose a good person and it will definitely protect your self-worth by not subjecting yourself to horrible treatment because you feel sorry for their inner child and can see things that they don’t. 

- Doe Zantamata

From the book, "Happiness in Your Life - Book Three: Forgiveness."

Also available as an instant ebook PDF download here: https://payhip.com/b/ULni