Change and Growth in Relationships
It is your job and your responsibility to be honest and to resolve unhealed wounds within yourself. No one else can. It is not your job or responsibility to try to pull honesty out of someone or heal their unresolved wounds for them. You can’t anyway, only they can.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, so even if a person you're in a relationship with professes their intention to change, staying close would put you in a “superior” position and them in an inferior which would backfire because they would feel pressure and that they’re not good enough, and you would need to keep lowering your standards and ignoring your intuition just to be able to be around them.
This is one area that contains an enormous lesson; that which teaches you that trying to “help” someone be a better person is a great intention, but the method is very flawed.
Losing yourself in trying to help someone find themselves will create in you an unfulfilled martyr and create in them more setbacks than gains in the long run because the only control they will feel is rebelling against what you’re trying to do, regardless of if it’s best for everyone or not.
People have free will and they want to be able to use it. If it’s not coming from within themselves, they’re not doing it of their own free will. It’s not the right time, and loving means letting go.
Listen to your intuition. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
When a friendship, partnership, or relationship is honest and supportive, it feels that way. The connection lifts you when you’re down, and increases your joys. You are honored and celebrated. Both silence and words are comfortable. The connection feels free.
Everyone has baggage and emotional attachments and the closer you feel to someone, the more vulnerable you will feel. Now, if someone all of a sudden sounds just like one of your parents during a disagreement, it’s up to you to decide and discern if you are projecting unhealed wounds onto the person of if they really are just like them.
An open and loving partner can help you walk through the old rubble, and you can also help them. Those times don’t always feel good, but it’s because you are dealing with pain. That is part of emotional growth.
It’s important to be able to stay somewhat detached to be able to see when a great, open, loving relationship has its work and challenges, versus when a relationship is insecure and unstable and is almost nothing but a daily challenge.
Journaling will help you to remain semi unbiased and detached, as you can go back and reread your thoughts from a week ago, a month ago, or more. You’ll be able to see more clearly if you’re experiencing a bad patch and working through it or if it’s been that way for most of the entire relationship, just with different details.
Keep your emotional focus and awareness on yourself. Allow yourself to move closer only to that which feels safe, free, accepting, trustworthy, and loving inside.
- Doe Zantamata
From the book, "Happiness in Your Life - Book Two: Intuition," by Doe Zantamata
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