If you stop defending your fears, they will lose their hold on your life.

If you stop defending your fears, they will lose their hold on your life.

Now, why would anyone want to defend their fears instead of defending their dreams or even what feels right inside?

Have you ever heard (or said),

"What would people think?"

"I'm just lucky to have a job."

"Well, it's better than being alone."

or something else that directly contradicts what you want, believe, or wish you could just do?

You have a very persuasive mind. You're very good at convincing yourself.

Make sure you're convincing yourself of the things that will free you from relationships or circumstances that just don't allow you to be happy. Convince yourself that good things are possible and that you both deserve and have the ability to achieve them when you try. If you convince yourself you shouldn't even bother, chances are…you won't. What would be the point?

And by freeing yourself, it doesn't mean just up and walking away from anything that isn't a bucket full of giggles. It means freeing yourself from the belief that however grim it is, that it has to be that way.

Who has the chance of improving a relationship; the person who believes that's just how marriage is, or the person who decides that this relationship is worth making efforts to rebuild via counseling, talking, and making it more of a priority? And who has more of a chance of improving their work atmosphere; the person who can't stand their job but feels they better stay in it because there are very few jobs out there so they grumble through each day, or the person who has a fresh look at their job and really begins to appreciate the people, perks, and contribution they are able to experience daily?

And it's only once a person tries those solutions that they can even walk away with a clear conscience, knowing that they did their best and it just wasn't a good match. In the meantime, emotional healing could occur in the relationship and in the meantime, a new resume could be written or a new business could be started while still working. It starts with the belief that things can be better, and then action towards what seems the best route at making that happen.

To start, become aware and catch yourself whenever you defend your fears. It's probably a habit set up long ago after some disappointments happened in the past and really hurt. See, when you get your hopes up and then have them dashed, it's almost natural to then want to prevent that hurt from happening again with the protection of low expectations. But pain makes a lousy shield. Low expectations are a constant low pain of feeling trapped in a dull reality.

Now, you may have heard before to not have any expectations and that's true. Being open minded allows you to adapt to situations and make the best out of everything, especially everything unexpected. But having no expectations is very different than having low expectations. Having low expectations and convincing yourself they are the only reality will only cause you to question, doubt, and push away anything or anyone who appears better than those low expectations. Then once they've been pushed away, the low expectations will be confirmed as evidence that it really was too good to be true!

Once you catch yourself doing this on any level, consciously think loudly what is it that you would really want. Write it down. Feel good about it. Think of reasons why it CAN happen and look for how it is or will be possible. If you don't see them right away, keep looking. It's only when you believe there is a way that you keep looking until you realize, find, or build it.

If the habit of talking yourself out of good things by defending your fears has lived in your mind a long time, it won't be something you can flip like a switch. But the more aware of it you are, the more you write things down and make efforts to change the habits, the easier and more natural it will become to think that way automatically. Time and perseverance are all it takes for changes to occur. And the good news is, you've got both.

It may be a bit of a shock to realize just how much you do it. It can even be overwhelming if you try to change everything all at once immediately. So maybe just being aware of some things and prioritizing the most important ones to be first in line is a better way to travel.

Like Theodore Roosevelt said, "Do what you can, from where you are, with what you have." Let your fears fend for themselves. You've got a great life to live.

-Doe Zantamata 

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